When Communication Breaks Down: A Queer + Crip Lens on Relating Differently

Communication breakdowns are one of the most common (and most painful) struggles in relationships. You’re trying to ask for something, but the other person hears something else. They respond in a way that doesn’t make sense to you. You feel dismissed or misunderstood. They feel like they’ve failed, or like they’re walking on eggshells.

Sound familiar?

If this is something you’re navigating, especially in a relationship where neurodivergence, Demand Avoidance, burnout, or cultural difference is part of the mix, I want to offer you a gentle and alternative framework for thinking about it.

It’s one that draws from queer theory and crip theory — two powerful bodies of thought that ask:

What if the problem isn’t with either of you, but with the assumptions about communication, care, and productivity you’ve inherited?

 What dominant culture teaches us about communication:

• Be direct (but not too emotional)
  

• Be efficient and outcome-focused
  

• Be independent ("do it yourself")
  

• Don’t be too much
  
  

These expectations are rooted in neurotypical, ableist, capitalist logics. They assume that communication is simple: one person gives instructions, the other executes them, and everything runs smoothly — like a machine.

But humans — especially neurodivergent, queer, racialised, or trauma-informed humans — don’t work like machines.

We work like ecosystems.
And ecosystems need time, care, and messy collaboration.

What queer and crip theory offer instead:

• Interdependence, not perfection
  

• Slowness, difference, and sensory attunement as strengths
  

• Non-linearity and rupture as part of intimacy
  

• Refusal, avoidance, or delay as nervous system intelligence — not failure
  
  

Let’s take Demand Avoidance as an example. It’s not laziness or defiance. Crip theorists understand it as a survival response — the nervous system protecting itself from overwhelm or perceived threat. It’s the body saying: “This is too much right now.”

In this light, a partner who doesn’t follow a sequence or misunderstands a request isn’t necessarily careless or oppositional. They might be processing differently. Maybe their brain doesn’t work in steps. Maybe intuition or emotion drives action. That doesn’t mean they’re not trying — it means they’re trying in a way that’s just not being recognised.

So what can help?

1. Slow down the process.

Instead of assuming you're “on the same page,” co-create it. Try:

• “Can I check I’ve understood what you need?”
  

• “Here’s how I might do it — does that work for you?”
  This creates shared sequencing, which builds trust.
  

2. Validate different processing styles.

One person may need structure, clarity, and step-by-step thinking.
Another may be more improvisational, intuitive, or relational.
Neither is wrong. These are simply different operating systems — and both can be honoured.

3. Make space for rupture and repair.

Breakdowns are not signs of a failing relationship. They’re part of being human. Queer and crip thought remind us that relational rupture is inevitable — what matters is how we repair. Can you slow down, regulate together, and circle back with care?

This is not about co-dependence.

It’s about co-creation.

Many of us were never taught how to be in truly collaborative, divergent relationships. We learned to mask, shrink, hide, perform, or suppress. So when a partner doesn’t “get it,” we think something’s wrong — with them or with us.

But here’s the truth:
You’re not doing it wrong.
You’re doing something radically human — something that challenges the rules we’ve all inherited.

Crip and queer frameworks invite us to imagine relationships where:

• difference is expected,

• slowness is sacred,

• and love looks like listening to each other’s nervous systems.
  

You're not failing. You're learning how to be together — differently. And that’s a skill worth cultivating.

If this resonates…

I offer 1:1 and couple sessions rooted in these very principles — honouring neurodivergence, sensory needs, and complex relational dynamics. Whether you're navigating burnout, Demand Avoidance, or cultural differences in how you give and receive care, you're welcome here.

Let’s explore how interdependence can become a radical, healing practice in your life.