Why I Don’t Use the Word “Masking”
In autistic communities and research, the word masking comes up a lot. It usually means hiding autistic traits or suppressing parts of ourselves to fit into neurotypical expectations.
But I don’t use the word masking. Why? Because, for me, I’ve never been able to “mask” in the way people describe it. I’ve never been able to fully pass as neurotypical — I don’t fit neatly into those expectations, and I don’t think I ever will. What makes more sense to me, and to many of my clients, is the idea of multiplicity.
Multiplicity, not masking
Philosopher Annemarie Mol writes about how things like illness don’t exist as one singular “thing,” but as multiple. Diabetes, for example, is done differently in a lab, in a doctor’s office, or at home with diet and care. Each version is real, and they overlap and sometimes contradict.
I find the same is true with autism. Rather than thinking in terms of one “true self” hidden by a mask, I see autistic life as multiple.
At work, someone may appear confident, organised, “together.”
At home, that same person may stim, rest, or collapse in exhaustion.
With friends, they might be playful, expressive, or deeply empathetic.
In therapy, they might explore their vulnerabilities or differences more openly.
These aren’t masks hiding one “real” version — they are all real. They’re different enactments of self, depending on situation, relationships, and environment.
Glued together, shifting with context
Mol describes how these different versions don’t stay separate — they “hang together.” I experience this myself: all of my different selves are glued together, but some come forward more strongly in certain contexts. For example, I might appear more anxious in one environment, and calmer or more expansive in another.
This is also why, in my own writing and speaking, I sometimes use the word “we.” For me, this has nothing to do with pronouns and everything to do with the sense of multiplicity within me — all of my autistic selves together. Saying “we” reflects the lived reality that I am not one single, static version of myself, but many selves that co-exist, sometimes in harmony, sometimes in tension.
Why environment matters
That’s why the environment is so crucial — it shapes which selves can emerge, and how sustainable they feel. In my work, I support clients in building safe, supportive, and accessible environments for themselves:
Physically (designing spaces that reduce overwhelm).
Philosophically (finding frameworks that affirm their experiences).
Somatically (connecting with safety and grounding in the body).
Sensorially (working with sensory needs and preferences).
Creatively (through artwork, artmaking, and verbal sessions).
Mirroring and enactment
Sometimes people talk about mirroring — copying tone, language, or behaviour to fit in socially. I see this as another kind of enactment rather than a mask. It’s one way of being in relation to others, and it often comes with a cost: exhaustion, dissonance, burnout. But again, it’s still real.
Why language matters in therapy and coaching
Language shapes how we understand ourselves. Talking about masking can imply that there’s a false self and a hidden true self. For many of my clients — and for me — that doesn’t feel quite right. It can even add shame (“I’m fake in some places, real in others”).
By working with multiplicity, we open space for all the selves: the professional self, the playful self, the exhausted self, the mentoring self. They’re not masks. They’re enactments, ways of being, and all of them matter.
How I work
As a therapist and coach, I support clients in:
Exploring the different versions of themselves across contexts.
Noticing where these selves feel supported, and where they feel constrained.
Building environments — physical, relational, creative, and internal — that allow those selves to coexist with less conflict and more ease.
Recognising that exhaustion and burnout are not personal failings, but outcomes of environments that demand too much conformity.
Rather than peeling away a mask, the work is about weaving together these multiple selves into something livable, safe, and self-affirming.